We got off on the wrong fucking foot last week. I mean, here I am, barging the fuck in, trying to give Ric Ocasek a hand with his doodle exhibit and I didn't even take the time to introduce myself. It's my fault, really. Sometimes, I just fucking forget shit.
First, though, we gotta clear up a little misunderstanding. I am not that fuck, Thomas Jefferson. He's just some old dude. I'm The New Thomas Jefferson. Big fucking difference. You're going to have to get that straight or we're gonna have some problems.
Old Fuck:
See, that guy's just not me. 1940? What kind of asshole was alive in 1940. You? Also, I face the other way, the right way. Once you get to know me, you'll see I'm an all right guy. This one on the other hand, you gotta watch out for. Look at him. He's so fucking smug. You can tell he's been up all night, though. Bags under his eyes the size of daschunds. And look at that fucking creepo smile. This asshole's trolling for some potty-trainers, you ask me.
I guess you did, otherwise why'd you be here? 'Cause you think this is some fucking funny shit? You can't figure out how else to relate to some human fucking beings except to show 'em shit like this on the Internet? Go back to 1940.
Lemme tell you something about this guy, though, Thomas. Thomas is a fuck. Hit on my sister, once. She's sitting in the turn lane at a this red light in Chalice (that's her Mazda) and starts to notice this fuck in the car in front. He's giving her this big shit-dripping leer in his rear view mirror so's she can see he's lipsyncing to The Human League. All of a sudden, he just pulls right out into the intersection and then throws it in reverse and backs up in the lane next to her. Now, thankfully, he missed Chalice, otherwise this'd be a whole different story. Anyway, he's just sitting in his car (Jackie (that's my sister) said it was some kind of Hyundai), and suddenly he thrusts his fucking crotch up above the steering wheel. Fucker's not wearing his knickers. What are you, you fuck, some kind of Porky Pig fuck? Jackie said he was real tiny, too, like if Pillsbury Doughboy was a penis. That how you get your Hoo-Hoos, asshole? Jackie's a strong girl, though, she can take it.
Fucking listen to me. If you run into this Okapi's pube of a man out there, fucking break his ribs and get out. Just get the hell out of there. He's a pick-pocket and an anarchist.
The New Thomas Jefferson.
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